Just for now

Just for now they say, just for now. It brings me a sence of peace to know that. Yesterday was yesterday tomorrow is tomorrow and today is today, at least just for now. Just for now can be three months, 3 years or 10 years it does not matter how long. This is not the time for change, this is not the time to make life changing decisions, this is the time to heal. This is the time to controll the present, send blessings for the good things in your life and the time to make your self happy and empowered. The endless nights of worry for what tomorrow brings, it does not matter cause we are still in today. They are no wrong and right decisions to be made only paths to walk on. So the outcome is not what you expected, it does not matter at least you learn, that was the lesson you need to take. Just for now sounds good. Just for now sounds relaxing, living in the moment is empowering. At least just for now. Relax and shake the worries away, your on the right track cause there is no wrong track, at least not now. Today I will live like I never lived before. At least just for now...

nothing

Woke up this morning to the phone. It was a phonecall that made me happy for a while. Until I got up and that bad feeling returned. Why is it there and why cant I get ride of it? Its no reason for it to be there.

Anyway day went on. I stopped for a second and realized maybe I need a day or two for my self. Totally isolated from the rest of the world, no phones and no internet and no people. Maybe that will make me figure out whats wrong.

But where will I find that? Holidayhouse is covered with snow at the moment and I dont feel like going there and dig my way in. So, I will stay and wait for the answer to come to me.

Have to work this weekend, was looking forward 2 having it off. But maybe I will stay out of trouble this way. Tomorrow Im gonne get back into it. I had my week of sooking and eating junk. Now its time to get back to reality even if I dont feel like it. Cant stay away to long. Dont even know what Im on about. Almost 1 in the morning and Im getting pretty tired, even if I spent the first part of the day snoozing on the coach. Goodnight people. Tomorrow is a new day

thoughts

Tuesday night.
The weekend is over, and it was a good and bad weekend. Good that I realized some things about people around me, things I didnt see before cause I was to busy ignoring it. But now I know. And I know now to stay away.
Bad in that way I consumed way to much alcohol and lost every bit of common sence I had left in me. I didnt do anything bad, I just dont like the feeling anymore.
Why do I have to be so needy all the time? Why do I always want more, why cant I just settle with what I got?
I though I needed a change, but I know now Im the one who needs to change.
My insecurity is taking over my life and Im not gonne let it happen anymore.
Maybe its time to open my eyes and face myself. Stop pretending like Im perfect.
Start listen to my heart and give my mind a rest.
Start making decisions more carefully and honest.
Feel the love I have around me instead of chasing for love I will never get. Cause Im chasing shadows.
And stop beeing so restless.
Start living right here and now! And the first thing Im gonne do on my road to truth and happiness is to get a tattoo representing me, myself and I.

My mind is racing, trying to breath. I do like it. But will I like it next year 2?
Whats ment to be will be, but how do you know whats ment to be and whats not?
And how do you know what way to go when there is a turnoff.
Im exhausted, confused and in 2 diffrent worlds at the moment.
I belive in me, I can do whatever I want.
But what do I want?
When your taken from the place you like, do you start liking the place you where taken to just to make life there easier? Adjust and enjoy.
I havent forgotten, I still remember. but I wont for long if I dont return soon.
Its slipping away and I cant do anything about it.
Maybe its suppose to be only a dream

Back

Back on the blog, that from now on will be about nothing as before. But still everything! Im currently in Kiruna where Im gonne be for the next 2 months. Working and spening xmas and new years with friends and family. In March my friends is where my real challenge starts. I have been accepted to uni in Melbourne and I will do a study abroad program for the first year to start off with. Mostly because Im still not sure about the whole study thing. Im a person who likes making money, but to make money you gotte start somewhere.
So Bundoora Melbourne is where Im gonne start. (or start over)
Anyway the journey will start the 1st of Feb when I return to the land down under.
Return to my man, my friends and my new life down there.
As u probably know I been there many times before but this time is diffrent. This time Im really leaving. For good. Or thats the plan anyway.
My thoughts lately have been full of excitmnet, guilt, hapiness and sorrow all at the same time.
But now Im ready! Ready to start school and kick some fucking ass!
For the first term Ill be reading mostly psychologi and some comminucation. I am afraid about the language barrier wich is another reason why Im writing in english. To get use to, and also for thoose who not know swedish. But mostly for my self.
Going back and forward like this has made me open my eyes much more. Im also starting to discover less attractive qualities with people. Things thats been there all along but Ive just never notice. And thats when I started to look for thoose qualities with my self, and realized I have them as well more or less.
Talking about people in negative ways, talking about other peoples work in negative ways, not seeing the full story and specially not think for a second how it feels to be in that persons shoes before you speak. Most people are nice, most people do there best and everyone does silly things when there pride gets hurt. In the end everything goes back to your self cause thats all you know. But because someone does things another way then you does not mean its wrong!
Everyone should start listening to there heart instead of other voices around you.
What is most important in life, friends, family, lovers?
Its diffrent for everyone, I cant tell you whats most important for me right now. A mix of everything would be good.
Here in Sweden is my foundation, my safe ground, my rocks and everything my life is built on.
In Australia is my future, my love, hopefully my unborn children, my future carrier, all Ive been working so hard for, all I will be working so hard for to get. My life. How can you choose beetween the 2? Now I cant.
But Im lucky I have the best foundation to fall back on if the road gets rocky. I was loved as a child, I feel confident about my self, I know I can do more then I achive for. And I have my family and my past to thank for that.
So the story goes on again. Im looking forward to the ride but have to admit Im very curious about the end as well.

Kiruna

Everytime Im driving from work Im amazed how beautiful Kiruna really is, and why I couldnt see it before. Maybe I didnt want to, maybe I was to busy to look or maybe I was so caught up getting away from here I couldnt see what I really had. Sometimes I do feel really hurt over the fact that I dont want to live here. I dont understand why. Why is it that this place, my hometown and the place where I spent my childhood, my drunken teenage years and where I found friends for life isnt the right place for me? Why cant I be satisfied for what I got? Most of the time I panic over the thought staying here and living here but sometimes I just want to stay forever. Well I do belive thats good, no matter where I go I can look back at Kiruna and feel good that I have it. So if I leave now I wont destroy that image of it. I will always have it with me whereever I go. And when things get tuff I can go back and enjoy sitting outside and watch the mountains sourranding me.

Theres no place like home they say and its true. But I do wanne get somewhere in life and this town is to small for me. But it was a fantastic place growing up. Maybe we didnt have all of the luxury a metropolitan city can offer, or even the comfort of good public transport. But we had the never ending forest to play in. Snow to ski on and northen lights to look at. And we had our friends. So what more can you really ask for when ur young?

But Im older now and the demands of whatever you want in life is moore.

I only have one wish right now. And that is to board that plane and start living again!
I dont know, I just have this feeling that Im ment to be somewhere else right now. I just have to wait a bit longer but one day I will make it there. And when I do I can look back at my home with a smile on my face and think of everything that once was my life.

Sunday hang over

Sunday hang over is the worst time for me beeing without my man. I need him. He is my best hang over company, staying in bed watch family guy and do nothing. Love it!

Anyway the party last nite was a blast. I drank SO much diffrent drinks and shots. Sang singstar so much my voice is pretty bad 2day. Then we all sat out on the balcony in the midnightsun singing songs. It was a lot of singing involved thats the way I like it. Wouldnt suprise me that when I get old I will be one of the old very annoying ladies u see sitting at the pub singing. haha that will be me!
Realized another thing today. Its not a good idea mixing drinks if u dont want to wake up the next day with a headache from hell. But it was all worth it!
Today its three weeks left and then the trip starts! Im so excited!! boats, trains and buses and hotelrooms! I love going new places and seeing new things. Travel is always good no matter where you go. And its also a very good way to get to know your self and what ur capabel of. I have done a lot of things on my own so far in live. Its good to finally have someone to share it all with. And go places either have been 2 before. I love it! Im great on my own but I love beeing with someone else. And so far in life I havent had the the will to be serious about really anything. This year that I was away got me thinking its time for me to start planning the rest of my life. And the best place to start is Melbourne. I love it there, fantastic people, lots of possibilities and just a great city to be in. Cant wait to be a melbourian for real!
Its goodnight for me and soon it will be goodmorning for the people down under. Miss u all heaps!