First Love

When I think back of the men in my life, so far anyway I’m not really sure what went on in my head sometimes. Well some choices I have to say I’m proud of, one or two that to this day seems unnecessary and plain idiotic and most I see as learning experiences. Whether they where long term relationships, flings or distant meetings in the night they all have something in common. They reflect my own insecurity, wants and needs. It’s like a reverse mirror of my self and who I was at a particular point in time.

Somehow I just did not get it. I did not understand what a soul mate is, maybe I still don’t. I chose with fear of really letting go and be without control. Sometimes I think I chose for selfish reasons. Well I know I did. Don’t we all?

What I never looked for and what I don’t believe I found to this day is a true companion. A person that push you to succeed and become a better human being than you ever thought where possible. A person who catches you those times you fall, because falling is inventible.

Someone that shares you values and underlying assumptions on what life should be like. Or at least some of them, and maybe create new ones together.

A true friend.

I do believe I had and still have true friends. People to push me and catch me, friends that share my views and visions of a perfect world.

There was a guy once in my life, he was all that if not even more. He made me laugh, and yeah he did make me cry sometimes. I should add to this that I am supersensitive so it is not hard to make my cry. But it is hard to break me.

Anyway that man or maybe a boy who he was at the time was my first love.

I was young, life was good and it was summer. Butterflies where in my stomach every time I saw him, heard his voice or talked about him. My face was smiling every day, every night. My eyes where full of life and happiness. It was true love because it was the first love and it was great!

As with many things great they come to an end. I was heartbroken. I though life was over and all that was left was a big black whole. Even today thinking back at it, it was an extremely strong and just heart aching feeling. It made me physical ill.

It was the first meeting with lost love, and it was so hard. I did not know as a young girl just experience my first love that the feeling would pass and life would move on.

And it did, however the experience was so innocent and it was without restrictions. Only time I let my self get lost in love without trying to control, manipulate and change someone to what I would like my partner to be.

As u grow older, it gets harder...Im happy I had my first love, and the loves I had after. It gives your life a meaning, sharing it with others.