nothing

Woke up this morning to the phone. It was a phonecall that made me happy for a while. Until I got up and that bad feeling returned. Why is it there and why cant I get ride of it? Its no reason for it to be there.

Anyway day went on. I stopped for a second and realized maybe I need a day or two for my self. Totally isolated from the rest of the world, no phones and no internet and no people. Maybe that will make me figure out whats wrong.

But where will I find that? Holidayhouse is covered with snow at the moment and I dont feel like going there and dig my way in. So, I will stay and wait for the answer to come to me.

Have to work this weekend, was looking forward 2 having it off. But maybe I will stay out of trouble this way. Tomorrow Im gonne get back into it. I had my week of sooking and eating junk. Now its time to get back to reality even if I dont feel like it. Cant stay away to long. Dont even know what Im on about. Almost 1 in the morning and Im getting pretty tired, even if I spent the first part of the day snoozing on the coach. Goodnight people. Tomorrow is a new day

thoughts

Tuesday night.
The weekend is over, and it was a good and bad weekend. Good that I realized some things about people around me, things I didnt see before cause I was to busy ignoring it. But now I know. And I know now to stay away.
Bad in that way I consumed way to much alcohol and lost every bit of common sence I had left in me. I didnt do anything bad, I just dont like the feeling anymore.
Why do I have to be so needy all the time? Why do I always want more, why cant I just settle with what I got?
I though I needed a change, but I know now Im the one who needs to change.
My insecurity is taking over my life and Im not gonne let it happen anymore.
Maybe its time to open my eyes and face myself. Stop pretending like Im perfect.
Start listen to my heart and give my mind a rest.
Start making decisions more carefully and honest.
Feel the love I have around me instead of chasing for love I will never get. Cause Im chasing shadows.
And stop beeing so restless.
Start living right here and now! And the first thing Im gonne do on my road to truth and happiness is to get a tattoo representing me, myself and I.

My mind is racing, trying to breath. I do like it. But will I like it next year 2?
Whats ment to be will be, but how do you know whats ment to be and whats not?
And how do you know what way to go when there is a turnoff.
Im exhausted, confused and in 2 diffrent worlds at the moment.
I belive in me, I can do whatever I want.
But what do I want?
When your taken from the place you like, do you start liking the place you where taken to just to make life there easier? Adjust and enjoy.
I havent forgotten, I still remember. but I wont for long if I dont return soon.
Its slipping away and I cant do anything about it.
Maybe its suppose to be only a dream

Back

Back on the blog, that from now on will be about nothing as before. But still everything! Im currently in Kiruna where Im gonne be for the next 2 months. Working and spening xmas and new years with friends and family. In March my friends is where my real challenge starts. I have been accepted to uni in Melbourne and I will do a study abroad program for the first year to start off with. Mostly because Im still not sure about the whole study thing. Im a person who likes making money, but to make money you gotte start somewhere.
So Bundoora Melbourne is where Im gonne start. (or start over)
Anyway the journey will start the 1st of Feb when I return to the land down under.
Return to my man, my friends and my new life down there.
As u probably know I been there many times before but this time is diffrent. This time Im really leaving. For good. Or thats the plan anyway.
My thoughts lately have been full of excitmnet, guilt, hapiness and sorrow all at the same time.
But now Im ready! Ready to start school and kick some fucking ass!
For the first term Ill be reading mostly psychologi and some comminucation. I am afraid about the language barrier wich is another reason why Im writing in english. To get use to, and also for thoose who not know swedish. But mostly for my self.
Going back and forward like this has made me open my eyes much more. Im also starting to discover less attractive qualities with people. Things thats been there all along but Ive just never notice. And thats when I started to look for thoose qualities with my self, and realized I have them as well more or less.
Talking about people in negative ways, talking about other peoples work in negative ways, not seeing the full story and specially not think for a second how it feels to be in that persons shoes before you speak. Most people are nice, most people do there best and everyone does silly things when there pride gets hurt. In the end everything goes back to your self cause thats all you know. But because someone does things another way then you does not mean its wrong!
Everyone should start listening to there heart instead of other voices around you.
What is most important in life, friends, family, lovers?
Its diffrent for everyone, I cant tell you whats most important for me right now. A mix of everything would be good.
Here in Sweden is my foundation, my safe ground, my rocks and everything my life is built on.
In Australia is my future, my love, hopefully my unborn children, my future carrier, all Ive been working so hard for, all I will be working so hard for to get. My life. How can you choose beetween the 2? Now I cant.
But Im lucky I have the best foundation to fall back on if the road gets rocky. I was loved as a child, I feel confident about my self, I know I can do more then I achive for. And I have my family and my past to thank for that.
So the story goes on again. Im looking forward to the ride but have to admit Im very curious about the end as well.

Kiruna

Everytime Im driving from work Im amazed how beautiful Kiruna really is, and why I couldnt see it before. Maybe I didnt want to, maybe I was to busy to look or maybe I was so caught up getting away from here I couldnt see what I really had. Sometimes I do feel really hurt over the fact that I dont want to live here. I dont understand why. Why is it that this place, my hometown and the place where I spent my childhood, my drunken teenage years and where I found friends for life isnt the right place for me? Why cant I be satisfied for what I got? Most of the time I panic over the thought staying here and living here but sometimes I just want to stay forever. Well I do belive thats good, no matter where I go I can look back at Kiruna and feel good that I have it. So if I leave now I wont destroy that image of it. I will always have it with me whereever I go. And when things get tuff I can go back and enjoy sitting outside and watch the mountains sourranding me.

Theres no place like home they say and its true. But I do wanne get somewhere in life and this town is to small for me. But it was a fantastic place growing up. Maybe we didnt have all of the luxury a metropolitan city can offer, or even the comfort of good public transport. But we had the never ending forest to play in. Snow to ski on and northen lights to look at. And we had our friends. So what more can you really ask for when ur young?

But Im older now and the demands of whatever you want in life is moore.

I only have one wish right now. And that is to board that plane and start living again!
I dont know, I just have this feeling that Im ment to be somewhere else right now. I just have to wait a bit longer but one day I will make it there. And when I do I can look back at my home with a smile on my face and think of everything that once was my life.

Sunday hang over

Sunday hang over is the worst time for me beeing without my man. I need him. He is my best hang over company, staying in bed watch family guy and do nothing. Love it!

Anyway the party last nite was a blast. I drank SO much diffrent drinks and shots. Sang singstar so much my voice is pretty bad 2day. Then we all sat out on the balcony in the midnightsun singing songs. It was a lot of singing involved thats the way I like it. Wouldnt suprise me that when I get old I will be one of the old very annoying ladies u see sitting at the pub singing. haha that will be me!
Realized another thing today. Its not a good idea mixing drinks if u dont want to wake up the next day with a headache from hell. But it was all worth it!
Today its three weeks left and then the trip starts! Im so excited!! boats, trains and buses and hotelrooms! I love going new places and seeing new things. Travel is always good no matter where you go. And its also a very good way to get to know your self and what ur capabel of. I have done a lot of things on my own so far in live. Its good to finally have someone to share it all with. And go places either have been 2 before. I love it! Im great on my own but I love beeing with someone else. And so far in life I havent had the the will to be serious about really anything. This year that I was away got me thinking its time for me to start planning the rest of my life. And the best place to start is Melbourne. I love it there, fantastic people, lots of possibilities and just a great city to be in. Cant wait to be a melbourian for real!
Its goodnight for me and soon it will be goodmorning for the people down under. Miss u all heaps!

The last couple of days Ive been walking around with a big smile on my face everytime i think of that special one. Lets just say it happens pretty often. I just cant control my self anymore. Its been way to long now. Today I just felt like fuck this whole thing when´s the next flight 2 the land down under? Would be pretty stupid of me though cause hes coming in 3 weeks. Just feels like I cant wait anymore.
Anyway been thinking about my other friends over there 2. Miss them all. And missed my friends over here when I was away. I do belive it will be easier for me this time. Now I REALLY now that I want to be there. And when I miss my family and friends 2 much its time to take a trip home. Im just so curious how this all gonne end. Will I stay? Will this work? Will I get everything I want over there? Meaning a good life. I got so many dreams I feel its time to start fulfilling them. Slowly one by one. Did feel like the other day that my luck has finally turned and things are starting to look good again. It all about staying positive.
Now its time for me to take the dog and go on a long walk up the biggest hill in Kiruna. Need the exercise and so does the dog hehe.
And saturday its time for cocktail party cant wait! Will get drunk and sing songs haha
Over and out

technology

facebook, myspace, twitter, blogs, email, msn. Phonecalls, sms and mms. Dont forget the post witch some people still use. There are just so many ways to stay in contact so why is it still so hard? And what do u do when your sick of all this technology and all u want is to see a face in front of you? But you cant and this technology is all u have. Sometimes I think its better to write real letters and post them instead of all this internetcrap. Its so easy keeping contact that u just dont know what to say anymore. But you still want the emails, sms, calls, facebook comments and so on. Because you can! What if we cant? Would that change anything? How did they do before, before all this? I dont know. Would like to find out. I just know Im over this. I want him with me. Not see his name on the phone or signing in to chat. Just want him here in real life standing in front of me. Fuck the technology it just fucks everything up. Parden my language.
Tierd, time for a rest...

Perfect

Can there be a day without problems? Just one day that everything is just perfect?

Was thinking about that, what is really perfect? And why are we still looking for a thing that does not exist. There are things like a perfect moment, a perfect beer, a perfect walk and a perfect meal. But there just arnt things like a perfect marriage, a perfect life or a perfect job. Correct me if Im wrong but whereever you go in life theres always problems and bumps in the way. But thats just a part of the game, the more u loose the more you know to next time not to do it again. And you will never stop learning. But sometimes we need to stop and have a perfect moment. And just for that moment feel like we have the perfect life. In the end one good day can wash away 10 bad ones. We just need to get something back in return for the effort we put in.

My life at the moment is far away from where I want it to be. But every day Im struggling to one day reach my goals. A life in a place I can call home, with my own family, a man who loves me for who I am and a job that gives me satisfaction and good financial security. Sounds like a lot? Well I think so too sometimes but Ill know I get there someday. It wont be perfect, but it would be mine and then all the rainy days I had to get there will be worth it.

I always say I cant wait until Im old, sitting in my chair with my nitting looking at my grandkids and finally start enjoying what I created.

Cant Wait!

So the trip Is all organised and payed for, Norway in a nutshell here we come! I was looking at the pictures of the hotels we are staying at. It looks so cool! Cant wait to see all that, cant wait to see my man and to do it all with him. All this dramas thats been with money and all other shit. I dont care anymore cause Im going on a holiday! Thats one of the hotels on the picture. The one Im looking most forward 2. And they brew there own beer. Will have to put some money away for that. Norway was the last country I would see my self going on holiday to. This is why..

Nr 1 EXPENSIVE

Nr 2 Norwegien language (we swedes just make fun of it)

Nr 3 No beach!

Nr 4 Inside Scandinavia

Well after some research about our neighbour I discoverd its worth a shot.

Beautiful scenery, great seafood and a once in a lifetime trip. If it wasnet for my other half ( should I say better) I would never go there. So thank you!

Did I say I manage to squeeze in a 24 hour party boat cruise in Stockholm before we go to Olso? FOR FREE! Yeah thats right, totally free. Theres just so many things to look forward to now so im almost about to burst of exetiment. And a month to go!

The story goes to Norway as someone once sad. (and sweden of course)

Goodnight

I wish

Wish I could run away from troubles and leave the worries behind
Wish I could live in a land with all my firends by my side
Wish I could see the world in a different light
Wish I could be happy for more then a while sometimes

Wish I was someone else living a better life
And the feelings I have today will be gone by the end of the night
Wish I could breath clearer and without all the toxic in my life
Wish reality wasent so hard all the time

I want to know what Im fighting for
I want to see the front step going up to my door
I want to know whats behind this hill
I want to stop for a while and feel

I just want to be a better version of me

thoughts about love

So yes girls are needy, demanding and just a pain in the as sometimes. I know I can be. I want guys to understand, listen and talk. So much I just end up making them angry. I also push them away when I start to feel things are rocky. I dont want to get hurt or dumped. I dont want to be that one sitting in tears wonder where it all went wrong. But no matter how hard you try u end up just there. And sometimes you put your self there as well. Yes there are things they just have to understand, and yes they have to listen to your needs. But the question is how much can you ask for? And when you finally get the answer you want theres always something else. I dont know why I have this problem, why I always need to be reassured about everything. Why cant I be the one storming out, go off in to my cage and stay there and calm down? Why do I want answers straight away? Why to I try so much is to much?
I know when Im in love, cause love makes me go stupid. A day can get ruined hearing the wrong word from that person. And a day can get great hearing the right. Its like everything I learned in the past just disseapers somewhere and your mind is starting to play tricks on you. Why? Im sick of it. I want to feel calm, I want to feel save all the time. I want my head to start thinking again. I know a part of the problem is me and Im trying every day to fix it. but Its so hard. What can I say. Im in love and love makes you crazy. And no matter how hard it is sometimes the good side is always better and thats why I stay. Thats why I love it. Thats why I love him. He puts up with me and my crazy ways. Maybe its time for me to slow down and stop asking for a perfect relationship. Cause there is none. Its 2 people staying togheter through ups and downs, laugh and cry and thats how it should be.
So I will start my journey to change my insecurity. With positive thoughts you get a positive life!

Goodnight

What is it about shoes???

Okey, so last night I was lying in bed thinking about shoes. Not about shoes I want or shoes I need but why people where the shoes they where. What are they trying to say? If they wear sneakers are they "cool" or high heels are they "stylish" and know all about fashion? What about gumboots? Most be a really good reason to where thoose cause there not very good looking. Unless u by the pink ones with big flowers on. Wich they probebly want to say Im relaxed enough to walk around with gumboots but I by theese ones so It looks better and you dont think im a geek. So why are people wearing the shoes they wear, they most have reason and a meening or something they want sad about them selves. Girls always worrie about there shoes cause they want there shoes to look stylish, pretty, expensive, cool and nice at the same time. They have to be everything. And They DO look at other girls shoes and judges them from it. But dont think guys are better, they look 2 and they have to have the lates model of every damn sportshoe there is. Clothes covers your body and keeps u warm but now days it tells you who you are. Or tells other people who they should think you are. So when I go for a walk I cant help looking at peoples shoes and I wonder, what does that person want me to think about him/her?
Enough about shoes....I have to go and wash my hands again cause they are all green from painting.